Their journey is my legacy

This is the signature of my grandfather's that is from a painting he painted years ago. I am amazed that I can feel him. The connected passion for art from decades past.


I have changed quite a bit in the last few months. Of course it has to do with current events. The overwhelming feelings that paralyze you.
Can't move much.
Can't open a book to read it.
Can't pick up the phone to call a friend. Stuck.

But once I get into the rehearsal room, I'm home. It keeps filling my cup and keeps me young. I know this is not a passing phase.

There's been moments where I can't really explain an elation of the choice to be an artist. The choice that this is really it. Sacrafice. Its worth it. Because in the end, we are all going to die. I don't have any fear of dying. I really don't. The only fear I have is not following the truth of my path. The sacrafices my dad, mom and grandparents made for me so that I can do this. Continuing for them. Because if gave up now, they worked for nothing. My freedom, my independence, my art is connected to their effort. Their journey is my legacy.

Nov 22, 2009

Day my dad died unexpectedly.

If I can be so bold but to quote one of my favorite NYC musicians Kevin Haden. He wrote this song called "Quality" that I always loved. One day early spring of 2009, I went to see him play in the UWS at Un-Wined and asked what it was about. It's a story of an old girlfriends dad who was dying. I always requested it and now I know why I did. I never knew before.

"Now I know if I got something to say, I'd better say it.
Cuz nobody's giving out second chances.
I still don't believe its too late for this. So I give it a go.

Those that you knew.
Those that you touched, I want them to know.
Those that you loved, I want them to know your quality."

a job

Sales Rep for authentic swimwear age 15
Sales Rep at a gay adult card shop age 16
Coffee shop girl age 17-24
Waitress age 20-26
Admin Asst (glorified secretary) age 26-28
Marketing Asst (glorified peon) age 28
Billing "specialist" age 29-31
Temp 30-31

Theatre director, choreographer age 32

YES.

I am going to a JOB EXPO tomorrow for theatre folks. Totally strange. A job expo? I don't think I've EVER gone to one. I guess because they aren't very common in my field. I'm imagining its a cattle call for non-actors.

Anyway, its going to be interesting. Got my resume all spiffed up, business cards, portfolio- the whole 9 yards. NEED to get work in the fall. That's my goal. I'm booked till then. Which is a great feeling but always looking for the next thing.

So me. A blog. And hopefully some readers.

A free breath is an opportunity that we always have. Its always there. Breathing is free. Its not earned or won. Its ours that the universe provides for so many reasons.

Its imperative to our existence.
Its a clever tool that can be manipulated if focused on.
Its a reminder that you are alive.

Yogic breathing came natural to me as I held a loved ones hand through her death. I remember that it was my focus, my grounding, my soul presenting itself. It was ironic because breathing was what she couldn't do well. Lungs filling up with fluid. But mine were clean and free.

I don't regret those moments. In fact, I don't regret anything except one thing. Not applying to University of Washington for my MFA in Directing Theatre. I compromised for a different school because of a boyfriend. Yes, the lesson was learned and I still got my Masters. But now I have to work twice as hard to get recognition because of missed connections.

I direct theatre in NYC and I teach yoga anywhere that will have me.

I try to find the joy in all moments, every one of them. Which is hard in New York. But I get an escape to the country which is my respite. My free breath.

Its easy to breathe in the country- hard to in the city.

Elbow and breathe...